i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
