I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
