I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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