Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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