he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
