I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
