It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she peed on how many people?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
