Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
