Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
