So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
