Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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