woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
