I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
