I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I love having hate sex.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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