Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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