the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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