I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
