Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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