i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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