Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
