My liver just broke up with me...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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