i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
