uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize