Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
