You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
smell my finger.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
