Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
