hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
