When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
