You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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