I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Everyone says I win the strip club
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
