apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
