so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
farters have to be the big spoon...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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