2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Never underestimate the power of titties
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
