Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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