Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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