She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
