i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
