Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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