we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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