i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
