he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
