Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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