I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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