She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
