Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
