Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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