I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
