My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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