dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
