It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
don't judge my taste in strippers
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
