just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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