Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I had to cum in my sink.
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