I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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