If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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