Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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