I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
