you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
