She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
