in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
